18 Miles Per Hour

BRIAN MILLER: WEATHER CONTROLLER

In ancient India it was believed that vedic chanting rituals could bring much needed rainfall. In less ancient times, some folks thought that the Finns had similar control over the elements to the point that Vikings would bring them on board their ships for the longer, more serious journeys.

They were all wrong. ‘Tis I who possesses said magical powers over the weather. And I’m now making my services available to the public. Let me explain:

Lately, if I’m setting out for a ride and it’s cold, and I commit my clothing choices to that weather, then that’s when the magic happens. A few miles out, the mercury climbs to astounding levels.

Every…time.

So during today’s ride, while I was drenching my top tube in sweat and trying to find room in my jersey pockets to stuff my leg warmers, winter gloves and wool base-layer, it hit me. I could monetize this power.

So if you’re looking to have a wedding, graduation party, garden party, outdoor holiday dinner or any other outdoor affair and you’re concerned that it’s gonna be too cold, just give me a call and we can work out the rate.

Then, on the day of your event, I will suit up and ride out near where your event will be staged, clad as if it’s going to be 30 degrees or less. Doesn’t matter what the weatherman says or how it feels outside, my presence – committed to this thick, warm cycling gear – all but guarantees that the sun will shine like the spring.

Oh, and if you got out to enjoy today’s nice sunshine, you’re welcome.